Friday, 18 March 2011

The Case of Mrs. Weldon – Henry A. Weldon

Five Reasons Why I should kill Henry A. Weldon:
  1. He is an arrogant self-opinionated blow-hard that needs to be educated in how dangerous orphaned women with guns can be.
  2. He believes anything his wife tells him, no matter how ridiculous
  3. He thinks it's acceptable to knock me out and lock me in a cupboard for three days
  4. His moustache is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen since it's split into two parts since he seemingly is incapable of growing one complete one.
  5. Getting money from him is harder than convincing the BNP that immigration has benefits.
Five Reasons Why I shouldn't kill Henry A. Weldon:
  1. He owes me money.
  2. He hasn't found out yet just how many men and women his wife is having affairs with, nor seen the photographs of these trysts that are now my life's main goal to obtain.
  3. He owes me money.
  4. He doesn't yet know how much pain I am going to inflict on him for locking me in a cupboard.
  5. He owes me money.

At the moment whether he lives or dies is still a very close run thing.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

The Case of Mrs. Weldon - Day 5

The fire damage is fortunately minimal to my office and apartment, the rest of the building however was not so lucky. A few of my neighbours had less than polite things to say as I picked my way up the char-grilled stairs. They were never exactly civil towards me, but this latest escapade had earned me a more malicious tirade than before.

Sadly you can't shoot people to teach them manners. I can't imagine why it's frowned upon, whenever I've done it in the past it's been very effective...though it has earned me several restraining orders and nights in jail cells. I sometimes think the breakdown in society, though very good for my business, could be altered dramatically if I was allowed to go out every now and then putting bullets into the knee caps of people that spit and litter.

However rude neighbours were the least of my worries. Someone was serious about their threats towards me, though I couldn't help but feel I had been subject to two conflicting pieces of advice – or two piece of potentially lethal advice.

If I had done as one piece of advice suggested and stayed in my flat then I would have been in the fire and probably have died from smoke inhalation. I didn't mind that someone was possibly trying to kill me. It happens with surprising frequency, though so far I have proven very resilient to death – God just doesn't seem to want me to join him yet, well either him or the Devil, maybe neither of them are interested in my soul.

What I minded was that I didn't know who was trying to kill me. If I had the attention span to sit down and go through a list of everyone who I had ever made an enemy out of who may want me dead it would be an extremely long list. My neighbours quite probably at the top of it. Such a list would not only be extremely unhelpful but also a huge waste of drinking and smoking time.

So I resolved on having an early night and if I were still alive in the morning I would go meet with Mr. Weldon, go and annoy Mrs. Weldon some more and see if anyone else tried to kill me.

It's times like this that make me glad I became a P.I. I'd be bored to death otherwise...

Friday, 11 March 2011

Shopping List

Cat Food
Printer Cartridge

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

The Case of Mrs. Weldon - Day 4

So this whole day could have gone a lot better.

Firstly Mrs. Weldon did not take kindly to being blackmailed – in fact I am fairly sure she threatened me. She also told me she would make sure that I didn't get any money from her husband for the work I had been doing...

I really do not like this woman.

Secondly I ran out of whiskey and when I went out to buy more I got shot at by masked men from rooftops and then when I returned fire to defend myself, I am the one that got arrested!

Thirdly I got put into a jail cell for six hours before anyone came to take my statement and when they did – yes you've guessed it – it was Fred. He took great pleasure in keeping me in the interview room and then put me back in the jail cell for more hours and by the time I got out of the jail cell, everywhere that sold whiskey was closed.

Fourthly when I got back to my apartment and office I found fire engines outside and the building on fire.

So needless to say I got no work done today, didn't get any money and now have to wait until the fire brigade is done before I can go back into my office and apartment!